Non-Performative Living: Letting Go of the fantasy self

I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood trying to figure out who I needed to be to be barely acceptable to those around me.

I studied everyone I met, what they believed, what they wore, what they thought was funny and took it on as my own.

I didn’t have a sense of self and I found that everyone’s idea of acceptable was different. It was exhausting.

At the same time I became obsessed with self-help books, gurus and strategies. If I could create a better version of myself, I’d finally be loved and living my most amazing life.

This deeply-ingrained pattern made it difficult to know who or what I was. It was hard to tell what I actually wanted or what I believed.

I couldn’t see my strengths because I was always comparing myself to someone else who seemed better.

The fantasy self

This pattern created a fantasy self in my mind. An idealized version of me that I was chasing at all times and which was always out of reach.

The fantasy self informed all of my decisions and the ways I showed up with others. It fueled my sense of shame whenever I didn’t live up to it, which was pretty much always.

I believed I needed to prove my worthiness through the clothes I wore, the job I had, a romantic relationship, friend group and financial life, to name a few.

Although I was always chasing these goals, I couldn’t seem to make anything actually happen in my life.

I was constantly stuck in survival mode financially, underperforming in my job, dating men who treated me poorly or who I didn’t actually like.

Isolating or chasing friends who I put on a pedestal and then feeling bad when they rejected me.

My health was in a bad condition and I was in a constant state of anxiety.

After 10 plus years indulging in self help books, courses and listening to the gurus, my life still looked and felt like sh*t. I hit rock bottom and I gave up.

I gave up the fantasy self.

The future me who was finally good enough and proving her worthiness to everyone.

I surrendered. I accepted that that’s not who I am. At least not right now. And I’m done chasing it.

The peace I felt was powerful.

Discovering my authentic self

I realized I wanted that peace more than any external thing. I began to make decisions from that place.

I started looking at what I needed in the moment and what I wanted to create in the here and now.

If I wasn’t trying to prove myself to others, what would give me a sense of joy and satisfaction?

If I’m full of anxiety, what would give me a sense of relief and peace right now? What shift in my perspective can I make or what can I let go of to feel that relief?

This tiny shift in my perspective began to drastically change the direction of my life.

I started feeling better, my chronic anxiety slowly went away. My financial decisions improved and my impulsive and addictive behaviors lessened dramatically.

I began to have healthier and less self-conscious interactions with others.

And my life slowed down. Way down. My authentic self needed to move more slowly.

I started to hear my intuition more clearly, telling me where to go and what to do. Magic and miracles started to unfold in my life.

My fantasy self still enjoyed popping in and dangling a carrot in front of me, telling me I should be doing XYZ or dressing in a certain way or making something bigger happen in my life.

But the sense of wellbeing and peace of my authentic self was calling me louder by the day.

My fantasy self has never fully gone away. I still get confused at times on whether an idea or goal, or version of me that’s showing up is coming from an authentic place.

But when I tune into my body and listen for anxiety, a sense of shame or the desire to prove myself, the answer is usually clear.

Ask yourself

What are you feeling anxious about? Is there an internal or external pressure you can let go of that would give you a sense of relief about your life?

If you didn’t have to prove yourself to anyone, what would bring you a sense of peace and joy right now? How can you begin to act in alignment with that?

If you’d like to read more on letting go of the struggle and living in alignment with your authentic self read this article next.